April 29th, 2012 at 1:34PM

Team Names After Hostile Evil Alien Invasion and Subsequent Takeover of Major League Baseball

New York Puny Humans

Baltimore Pathetic Earthlings

Chicago Inferior Species

Los Angeles Pitiful Little Men

Seattle Weaklings

April 26th, 2012 at 2:00PM

Robert Frost’s Grocery List

-Eggs

-Spaghetti & sauce

-Frozen pizza

-Orange juice

-Cereal

-Milk as white as the fresh fallen snow, so pure and untouched that I dare not tread upon as I go. It glistens in the moonlight as I walk, so silent and still that I dare not to talk.

-Cheetos

1 note
April 23rd, 2012 at 12:46PM

The ABCs of Creativity

A - Always be creative

B - Be diligent

C - Creativity is important

D - Diligence

E - Exceed expectations

F - Find inspiration

G - Great…uh, be great

H - Have expectations to exceed

I - Inspiration, find it

J - J…j…

K - Keep an open mind

L - Lower expectations sometimes

M - Make comprimises

N - No closed-mindedness

O - Open mind

P - Practice makes perfect

Q - 

R - Respect

S - 

T - Try your hardest

U - uhhh

V - Very important is creativity

W - Wow people

X - Xylophone

Y - You should be diligent

Z - 

March 22nd, 2012 at 11:48AM

Presidential Campaign Speech

My fellow Americans. Good evening. I come to you this morning asking for your vote, yes, but I’m also looking for something else: optimism. If you can take away one thing from this speech, it’s to be optmistic. Also, vote for me. 

Recently, America has been hampered by a tough economy. But how would you feel if I said that what we have truly been hampered by was cynicism. 

We Americans no longer have confidence, Americans. We used to believe in ourselves! It used to be “two cars in every garage!” but now people want to ditch that entirely. I’m here to say let’s not ditch it, but lets American Dream even bigger.

Let’s put three cars in every garage. Let’s also put four cars in every driveway. Americans should have a nice lawn, so put three cars on there. In fact, put the cars on their sides to maximize the space. Boom, that’s six cars on the front lawn. You can probably fit a car in your kitchen if you take out that island, and it just gets in the way anyway. Car in the living room, maybe even two if you stack them. I bet you can fit a small car, like a smart car or one of those new fiats, in the washroom if you tried hard enough. Get a crane and put some cars on the roof.

That’s the America that I want to live in. Now, let’s etch-a-sketch erase our cynicism away and dream big, America. 

March 19th, 2012 at 11:29PM

Famous Headline Errors

DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN

DEWEY LANDS ON MOON

MT. ST. DEWEY ERUPTS

DEWEY WINS WORLD SERIES

DEWEY DEFEATS REAGAN

HURRICANE DEWEY STRIKES COAST

DEWYE HEADLINES PROMPT RETRACTIONS

March 16th, 2012 at 1:39PM

Who's on First? [UPDATE]

  • Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Joe Girardi, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.
  • Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.
  • Abbott: Right, certainly do.
  • Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
  • Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.
  • Costello: You mean funny names?
  • Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like, Prince Fielder, and Joey Bats and Pudge Rodriguez.
  • Costello: Pudge.
  • Abbott: Pudge Rodriguez. Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we have Teixeira on first, Cano on second, and Rodriguez is on third.
  • Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
  • Abbott: I say, Teixeira's on first, Cano's on second, and Rodriguez is on third.
  • Costello: You going to be the coach?
  • Abbott: Yes.
  • Costello: And you know the fellow’s names?
  • Abbott: Well I should.
  • Costello: Well then who is on first?
  • Abbott: Teixeira.
  • Costello: The guy playing first base.
  • Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
  • Costello: That’s Teixeira's name?
  • Abbott: Yeah.
  • Costello: Oh.
  • Abbott: That’s it.
  • Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
  • Abbott: Certainly.
  • Costello: Teixeira’s playing first?
  • Abbott: That’s right.
  • Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, Teixeira gets the money?
  • Abbott: Every dollar of it.
  • Costello: Teixeira gets the money on first base?
  • Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
  • Costello: Teixeira's wife?
  • Abbott: Yes. What’s wrong with that?
  • Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?
  • Abbott: Teixeira.
  • Costello: Teixeira?
  • Abbott: Yes.
  • Costello: So Teixeira's on first. Who's on second?
  • Abbott: Cano's on second base.
  • Costello: Cano's on second. Okay.
  • Abbott: Cano's on second. Who’s on first?
  • Costello: Rodriguez.
  • Abbott: Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s get back to first.
  • Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
  • Abbott: Well you mentioned his name.
  • Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say’s playing third?
  • Abbott: Rodriguez.
  • Costello: Rodriguez.
  • Abbott: He’s on third.
  • Costello: Look, you got outfield?
  • Abbott: Sure.
  • Costello: The left fielder’s name?
  • Abbott: Gardner.
  • Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?
  • Abbott: Sure.
  • Costello: The pitcher’s name?
  • Abbott: Sabathia.
  • Costello: Got a catcher?
  • Abbott: Certainly.
  • Costello: The catcher’s name?
  • Abbott: Martin.
  • Costello: Martin? And Sabathia’s pitching?
  • Abbott: Now you’ve got it.
  • Costello: You know, I’m a catcher too.
  • Abbott: So they tell me.
  • Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Sabathia’s pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
  • Abbott: Yes.
  • Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and throw it to Teixeira.
  • Abbott: That’s all you have to do!
  • Costello: Is throw the ball to first base?
  • Abbott: Yes.
  • Costello: Now Teixeira's got it?
  • Abbott: Naturally.
  • Costello: Teixeira?
  • Abbott: You throw it to Teixeira.
  • Costello: Naturally.
  • Abbott: That’s it.
  • Costello: I throw the ball to Teixeira. Teixeira drops the ball, the guy runs to second, Teixeira picks up the ball, throw’s it to Cano, Cano throw’s it to Rodriguez, Rodriguez throw’s it back to Sabathia, triple play!
  • Abbott: Yes.
  • Costello: Another guy gets up, and it’s a long fly ball to Gardner. Rodriguez, he’s on third, and I don’t give a Jeter!
  • Abbott: Oh…What?
  • Costello: I said, I don’t give a Jeter!
  • Abbott: Oh, that’s our short stop.
  • Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)